Ouch...my heart hurts.

Recently I tried to explain to my youngest child what it feels like to have your heart broken.  She asked, “Does it bleed?”, “Can the Doctor make it feel better?”, “Does it hurt when it breaks?” and I hesitantly replied with “No. No. Hopefully not too bad.” And then I realized as much as I want to, I will not be able to shield my kids from hurt.  I can kiss boo-boo’s, get rid of the boogie man in the closet and place band-aids on non-existent cuts, but what I can’t do is protect them from when someone or something breaks their hearts. 

It dawned on me that on their journey through this life, there will be love and love lost.  There will be ups and subsequent downs and all I can do is talk them through how to deal with the hurt.  When I was hurting, my journal became my best friend and I spent many nights eating my way through a carton of Blue Bell Vanilla Bean ice cream.  The ice cream worked its delivish magic on my waistline, but the journal helped me heal past all the ex-boyfriends, lost jobs, gained pounds and missteps.  I gave my baby a hug and reassured her, that although her heart would never physically break (although it might feel like it has), I would always be there to hold her close, share her favorite ice cream and remind her how beautiful she is.

The "Transform my children" project...

I am the second to the youngest of seven children. I grew up with "handmedowns", small dinner portions, recycled bath water (because I got in the water last..YUCK), summers at Grandmas, a whole lot of church (every day of the week and twice on Sunday), early bedtimes (prior to 7PM) and plenty of scary stories from my siblings that still scare me today. 
I just had a conversation with my kids and they don't know any of the above.  Instead they know clothes of their own, large dinner portions (one meat, two vegetables, warm dinner rolls, sun-made tea, and dessert), sleep away summer camp, way too much television and small chores.  I have decided that over the next 60 days, I am going to transform my children from "faux silver spoon" to children with stronger morals than appetites.  We'll see how this goes.

You'll never be as beautiful as you are right now...

I heard someone say, you’ll never be as beautiful as you are right now and I began to think, it’s time for me to start being my most beautiful self, TODAY.  I drafted a list of things that I have not yet had the chance to do in my life and today I have begun doing the items on my list (I urge you to draft one of your own). It’s a relatively short list, but I’ve lived almost 40 years and haven’t done these things.  I know life is gracious, but I’m not sure that I will be able to do many of them when I’m 90.

v  Complete a half-marathon

v  Learn how to ride a skateboard

v  Go fishing

v  Go to a gun range

v  Bowl a perfect game

v  Go to an Opera

v  Go snowboarding

v  Try fencing

v  Learn to say “I Love You” in 50 different languages

v  Perform one day as a street performer

v  Have a song on iTunes (I HAVE RECENTLY COMPLETED THIS TASK)

v  Ballroom Dance

v  Learn to make a French dish

v  See the 7 wonders of the world

v  Have my palm read

v  Ride a camel

v  Dance in the Rio Carnival parade

v  Be kissed under the mistletoe

v  Skydive

v  Have a calendar made of myself

v  Sell my house for profit

v  Attend Coachella Music Festival

Me, the Libra.

I am not a believer in astrology, but every now and then, I get asked what sign I am.  When I mention, Libra, the response is generally a positive one, but I get a little side eye, so I did a little homework on what the Libra represents.  I must say, I was a little amazed at what I found out about my astrological self.

The Libra is a positive sign representing the Goddess of Justice.  I am pretty JUST! The traits of the Libra are dominant, active, yang (meaning masculine) and are focused on others and how they relate to them. I agree so far, except for the masculine part. Next, the Libra is a partnership sign, with a capital P, because Libras do not want be alone. For the Libra, everything is done right, if its done as a pair. Libras are good when paired up, too, since they epitomize balance, harmony and a sense of fair play. While they are true team players at work, their favorite partnership is at home: marriage and relationships. Libras feel most complete when they are coupled up with their lover, forever. Right again!  The Libra is cultured, refined and love beautiful things. Check! 

Libras like to put their mind to good use, and enjoy communicating their thoughts to others. They like to use their smarts (and talk) to get to know others better -- yes, knowledge about people is where it's at for Libras. You can expect the Scales to make a fair argument, too, since they live by the principles of diplomacy and compromise. When this approach doesn't work, however, Libras are not above using their persuasive charms to get their way.  Manipulative?  Nah, Libras really are too nice for that. WOW! So, right!  Especially right about the charming part…

Then I became more curious and needed to know what astrology says is the negative side of the Libra and it was pretty accurate too.  One trait that many people may not find very appealing is the Libra’s distaste for dirty work and manual labor. Some may perceive this as laziness, and in some ways it may be just that. They prefer the type of job that will confine them to a desk, but they also have problems taking ideas they develop and putting them into play. While they are very creative and could be very ambitious, they really don’t know how to put new-found ideas into play. Part of this may be due to their insecurity about their own abilities. Sad, but true!  And then I read this….

Male and female Libras have materialistic natures but at the same time, they will fight to the end for a cause in which they believe. However, they crave attention and constantly need to hear praise. Indeed, they don’t take criticism well, but many people are in the same situation. It is not necessary a negative thing to wish to hear praise; it is however, something that the Libra must learn will not occur as often as he or she would like. Those who are in contact with these people on a regular basis will learn quickly how much they crave to be accepted and to know they are appreciated.  

So if what I read is accurate. The Libra, ME, is prone to jealousy, is sensitive, fair, harmonious, and vain. The Libra is nice people and cares very deeply about their friends and loved ones. If you bring them into a room full of tension, they will quickly make everyone feel at ease. The key is to work with the positive traits and downplay the negative ones.   So for those of you who know me, watch out, it sounds like I have an identity crisis!  J

Someone I loved...died.

I googled her name today and only one search for her appeared.  Only a simple archived obituary with only 18 entries of comments from our family and friends was left of her for the world to see.  I searched through almost 6 pages of content searching feverishly for a glimpse of her past. Surely there was information on her dreams, a paragraph on her wishes, footnotes on beliefs or things she touched, aromas she smelled throughout her life, something, anything, but there was nothing.  Only a simple, short obituary.  Had her life been reduced to a simple name, age, city, 5 lines of family and where her final resting place would be? 

Then I began to recollect that she wanted to be a dancer in her youth, she was working on a book, she loved old western movies, she drove her car with 2 feet (one on the gas and the other on the brake), she loved to sing (even though she couldn't), she kept a journal, she loved coffee (two sugars and one cream), she kept a prayer in her wallet for God to protect her money, she had a green thumb and her plants flourished under her care, she collected antique blue and white china tea sets and she lived her life vicariously through every one of her seven children.  

A few years before she passed away, we discussed what she wanted for her life and she didn't selfishly ask for anything for herself, but she wanted me to live my life to its fullest, not build on empty promises and leave a legacy I could be proud of.  She wanted me to be ready for the day I take my last breath and then take the next breath in eternity.  Suddenly as I combed through the Internet looking for pieces of my mother, she was in the fiber of my memories.  My mother planted seeds of morals and self-worth, things that I could take with me as I aged and raised my own family.   I never thanked her for that.  I never told her that she was my hero and my definition of Mothers Day, fighting off the boogieman in my closet in my youth and my feelings of inadequacy as an adult.  I can only hope she knows how proud I was of her as she fought cancer all while fighting back the tears so we wouldn't see her cry.  Someone I loved, died.  And although there is no google search that defines who she was to me and my family, we miss her. Terribly.

PHYLLIS RIDDICK
AGE: 61 LAKEWOOD
Phyllis Riddick, 61, of Lakewood, passed Saturday, Sept. 13. She was born to the late Kathleen and George Hall.
Phyllis is survived by her husband, the Rev. Gerald R. Riddick; seven children, Todd, Gerald and his wife Gaynelle, Veronica and her husband Mustafa, Lisa and her husband Eric, Denice and her husband Ron Sr., Catherine and Keith; 15 grandchildren, Marquette, Sequoia, Christina, Charmell, Crystin, Courtney, Atiya, Sydney, Aliya, Michael Jr., Ronald Jr., Akiya, Eric II, Keith Jr., and Kelsey; a great-grandchild, Kyionna; her mother-in-law, Ardieth; a sister-in-law, Hope and her husband Bobby; and friends.
The viewing will be from 6 to 8 p.m. Thursday at Bagwell Funeral Home, 131 S. Broad St., Penns Grove. Another viewing will be from 9 a.m. Friday until the funeral service at 10 a.m. at Sixth Street Baptist Church, Lakewood. Interment will be in Evergreen Cemetery, Salem.

I packed too much.

So much has happened since my last post (February)and I wasn't sure what would come out in the wash if I wrote in here while I was in my meantime, so I decided to wait, breathe and relax.  I must say, my children, my career, my home and my thoughts have kept my life truly eventful (for lack of a better word) over the past few weeks and all I could do was be still.  Very still.  Still like a garden gnome watching over the lawn.  Sometimes that's all you can do to get from one experience to the next.  I have on my seat belt, I have a breathing apparatus (in case I need one) and I have my feet firmly planted on the ground and my arms are on my lap.  I think I may have packed way too much equipment to deal with the everyday challenges that being a mother can bring, but I heard the ride gets bumpy along the way and I thought it best to pack too much, than not enough.  Bring it on!

A smile cures everything, right?

She might seem like an alien, but...

My teenage daughter (17) has a friend (same age) that has been hanging around the house for a few months. Sometimes she would stay late and I would send her on her way home.  Sometimes I would notice her in front of the house driving (with no license) and she always mentioned she worked two jobs and is a full time high school student.  I often wondered what kind of parents she had and took the time to go an introduce myself.  While there, I noticed a house full (about 6 or so) of teenagers living at her parents house and they all were home ALL THE TIME (even in the afternoon).
Two weeks ago my daughters friend asked if she could come live at my house.  The story? Her and her mother had gotten into an argument, she was kicked out and she had been living on her own for about three months and was tired of moving from house to house.  WHAT?  I was floored.  I decided a phone call was in order, so I phoned her mother.  She answered in a cheerful tone, so I commenced to letting her know that her daughter was at my home and what did she intend to do.  Her response?  (be prepared to pick yourself off the floor)
"You keep her! She can't come back here!" I was speechless and I needed to understand why. None of the reasons she gave had merit. None of the reasons she gave warranted kicking your 17 year old daughter out in the streets to fin for herself.  She went on to say.."If you call Department of Children Services, they will call a foster home (probably in another district) and she is a Senior, so it is likely she won't graduate". My mouth was still open.  She completed our call with.."I hope she does well!" REALLY? 
Was she kidding?  When I heard the call drop, I realized that just like our call, she had disconnected herself from her daughter.
This was difficult for me to understand because my daughter is the same age and at times I feel like disconnecting.  Sometimes I think she is from another planet, but my job is to ensure she is raised, completely and lovingly (on this planet)!  I can't imagine things being so horrible between my kids and I that I would allow a stranger to raise them.